I wish I could tell 8-year-old me that I’d get to do all the fun stuff 30 years later.

I know I said I was back, but I should’ve specified that I wasn’t quite ready to commit to a regular cadence of publishing blog posts. Whoopsie! I mean, the intention is there. I’ve literally had “publish a blog post” on my to-do list for weeks… OK FINE, MONTHS. But as anyone with ADHD knows, simply wanting to do something is not enough to get someone who struggles with executive dysfunction (like me 💁🏻‍♀️) to do it. 

The biggest reason I haven’t been publishing, even though I’ve been writing A LOT, is because I’ve been overthinking about what to share. I’m trying to go back to the time of early blogging where I didn’t care about SEO or word count or whether I’m growing an audience. But my content marketer brain is hard to turn off, and I get lost in a loop of, ‘I want to publish a post about THAT topic but I should probably talk about THIS first. I should also make sure all of my posts are interlinked and put together a content calendar and BLAH BLAH BLAH.’ 

I also find myself worried about negative feedback, which is weird because that’s not really happened ever, and the few times I did get nasty messages they actually made me laugh. Sometimes I have others read them and let me know if there’s anything I should know. The answer is always no, so I just ignore or delete them.

To combat the rumination, I did a lot of digging to figure out why I even want to do this when I feel such intense anxiety about sharing who I am, and I think I’ve finally nailed down what I get out of blogging and writing. Or rather, I’ve figured out what need I’m satisfying when I share my written thoughts with the world: emotional connection. This is my way of connecting with others, my attempt to be seen and heard, and maybe even find my people. In my day-to-day life, I’m craving deeper conversations that go below surface level. But it seems like I can’t find people interested in that kind of connection. I want to find and connect with others who are just as curious about me as I am about them. Is that weird? I don’t think so. 

So I’m sharing these insecurities out loud so that I can hopefully let go of that kind of overthinking and just do what I want with this blog. That’s the point after all. 

This post is my attempt to break the overthinking loop. I’m greasing the wheels. Ripping the bandaid. Shooting the bird with one stone. That’s not a saying, I know. But I came back to my blog to have fun and if it gets a little unhinged here and there, that’s how you know this wasn’t written by A.I., though I am wearing a human flesh suit…

We all are if you really think about it. ANYWAY… 

Cristy, What the F*CK Are You Doing? 

With my life? Piecing it back together, in an engine-rebuild kind of way. I still have a lot of my original parts, plus aftermarket mods. I had to dig around storage to find some of my old stuff, but with a little elbow grease and lube… This metaphor… I actually don’t know anything about cars. Also my vehicle is overdue for an oil change by over a year… let’s start over. 

I always knew I’d have to re-enter the workforce at some point this year but was worried I’d slip back into the same self-defeating patterns as before. I’ve spent the last year-and-a-half learning tools and strategies to accommodate my weaknesses, reduce decision fatigue, manage my stress, and regulate my emotions. 

Following my two IOP experiences with a health coaching program turned out to be a brilliant idea — if I may say so myself — because the process of learning positive psychology and behavior change science completely transformed my mindset. Life has felt/feels much more manageable since. And I definitely use my coaching skills on myself every single day.

All of these systems and habits are supposed to reduce the amount of time I spend thinking/deciding, thus preserving my brain power for more important tasks.

That’s the intent, at least. In practice, that looks like:

• a morning routine that prepares me for the day,
• an evening routine to tell my body it’s time to settle down,
• a collection of go-to recipes and snacks for easy healthy meals,
• a (figurative) toolbox of skills and strategies I can implement when down or distressed,
• a shit-ton of self-compassion and self-forgiveness for when everything goes to shit anyway no matter what I try, 
• a supply of composition notebooks for journaling and essay-writing to process all of that shit,
• apps, calendar events, alarms, timers to manage my time blindness and weak working memory,
• using voice commands and shortcuts to quickly do things before getting distracted by other apps and notifications,
• close relationships I can turn to for support,
• acceptance, not resistance, 
• boundaries!

It’s amazing (and humbling) how quickly things fall apart as soon as I add more things to my calendar. It’s like I forget everything I’ve put in place and revert to old habits. It makes sense if you think about it; in times of stress we turn to comfort, and those bad habits are what feel most familiar to us. After all, we’ve spent our entire lives developing habits. It’s gonna take time to replace some with better ones.

But now, I can recognize emotions as they are happening. I find I often know what to do when I feel them in my body. Even if I don’t, I try my best to be a neutral observer and get curious about any physical sensations in my body, any images that come to mind, if I feel like a much younger version of myself. It still super sucks to hurt, but I’ve accepted that life is uncomfortable. There’s no escaping pain, only prolonging it. 

If you watched season 3 of “The White Lotus” then you know what I mean. 

Oh Sorry, You Were Expecting an Update on My Career?

Pfffft!!!! 💦 What career?!  

Even if I wanted to return to a full-time editorial or SEO/content marketing role — which I do NOT — there continue to be massive layoffs in journalism and content marketing. It’s an employer’s market now, so of course wages have dropped to shit, with fewer humans to work with, and smaller budgets, while expected to live in New York City or San Francisco. NO, THANK YOU.

Little Cristy Would NEVER Believe What I’ve Been Doing All Summer

Meet Coach Cristy, Summer Camp Climbing Instructor. 💪🏼

Yes, I bailed on a six-figure marketing career for a part-time job at a climbing gym to hang out with kids all day. And I’m having so much fun! 

The experience can be best described as chaotic, loud, incredibly rewarding, and unintentionally/unexpectedly hilarious. Every week we have four groups of campers: pre-k/kindergarten, 1st-2nd grade, 3rd-4th grade, and 5th-7th grade. Coaches rotate age-groups each week, so we get to experience all the things. In addition to climbing, we get to do arts and crafts, play games, and just hang out. 

Sadly, we’re almost done with the summer camp season… I’m definitely going to miss it. But being this far along into the summer camp season also means that we’ve now had many repeat campers (because it’s their favorite camp ♥️) and I’ve bonded with so many kids. Some kids have told me I’m their favorite coach. 🥹 I’m planning to stick around for the after-school program so I’ll still get to see some of the regulars. 

Summer camp stories

There have been too many eventful days, like the ‘Friday with Five Incident Reports and Two Peed-Pants’. The kids had been great all week, then as soon as one coach went home early everything started to fall apart. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was ambushed by three four-year-old boys who called out, “Tickle time!” and they got me good. I had to run outside of the room for help. Fortunately, the boys stopped when they saw another coach. It was actually very impressive how well they coordinated the tickle attack. 

That same camp group was so rowdy that week, I became desperate to enforce our afternoon Quiet Time. My co-coach and I improvised a fort/tent out of a giant parachute I found tucked in a cabinet, a rope, and lots of gaff tape. It worked! I played some short stories on Spotify, and it was so funny and cute to watch them wrap themselves in a Mexican blanket, settle in, and get hooked on stories like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Peter Rabbit, and other childhood favorites.

That same week, on Thursday night, I got a stomach bug and had the most sudden, violent vomit-pocalypse that kept me in bed until Saturday morning. I’ll spare you the details, even though it’s equally hilarious and gross.

I also really enjoy working with the older kids, especially the 5th-7th grade group. A lot of the girls are around my height and have gone through puberty, so I help them understand how our bodies are different from men’s and how we accommodate for that. We have to use our feet to make up for our weaker upper-body strength and lower center of gravity. It’s funny because a lot of the kids assume I’m not good at climbing because of this, but by the end of the week I’ve got a group of campers begging me to put on my climbing shoes to join them on the walls. 

My proudest coaching win so far: I’ve coached six girls on how to do a specific dyno (a dynamic move that required jumping up to reach the hold) that even the boys were/are scared to do.

I spend a lot of time on technique and mindset. I teach them how to celebrate progress and not just the outcome. And I show them all of my own scars and bruises, aka my badges of honor. I think the girls are also impressed that I climb at my age. I’m happy to be a role model and show them that being a grownup doesn’t have to be boring. 

Oh Yeah, I’m the Old Lady Now

For the first time ever, I’m the old person on the team. It’s been really funny being that person who doesn’t get young people references and also makes references that the young people don’t get. There are a handful of others in their early-to-mid 30s, but many of the other coaches are 18 to 22. The only time I notice is when I see how hard they’re training for climbing. Or, during dodge ball — I let the young dudes handle that one. 

I’m 38 but look ambiguously mid-30s, and I guess that confuses the kids? They’ll ask about my age and let me know if I’m close to their parents’ ages or not. They want to know if I’m a mom, and why not? Only one kid has asked me if I have grandkids. She was five, but it surprisingly stung, probably because it was such a funny delivery. 

I Didn’t Expect to Love This Job As Much As I Do

I love teaching kids how to climb. I get to watch them grow their confidence and improve their skills throughout the week. I get to use my actual coaching skills to help them project (work out) boulder problems and real-world ones too. I try to guide them through how to think of a solution, rather than just give them answers, and do my best to model a growth mindset. I say things like, “We celebrate effort, not just the send!” to teach them to be proud of putting in the work, not just the outcome.

I acknowledge their fears and tell them how I’m also afraid of heights, but it gets easier with each climb. I show them how to set milestones until they feel comfortable climbing up all the way. “I do that too,” I say. I work on their self-talk and teach them mantras I repeat in my own head as I choose to believe in myself, “I trust my hands. I trust my feet.” And how sometimes I’ll think about the fear in my head and decide to do it anyway: ‘OK, so I fall. What happens next? I hit the mat. Yes, it might hurt. So what? It won’t hurt for long and then I’m OK.’ 

A few weeks ago, one of my older campers was shaking as she climbed up the wall, then slipped and fell. I could tell she was shook but safe, so I said, “Your worst nightmare just happened. How do you feel?” And she got up and confirmed she was OK. I congratulated her on the fall and watched her climb back up and try the climb again, this time with a tad more confidence. 

One week I had a group of boys who were not as adventurous as some of the others, and we were discussing falling. I asked one boy who’d just given up on a route, “You’re going to fall down no matter what. Would you rather fall trying or fall giving up?” “Fall giving up,” was his reply. I laughed and said that was fair, and then we moved on to something else. I don’t pressure them to do anything they don’t want to. 

My Own Summer Project: On-Location Watercolor Sketches

I decided I’d practice my urban sketching skills by making watercolor paintings of various places and objects around the climbing gym. I meant to buy a watercolor sketchbook before summer camp started so I would have something cool to show people, but ADHD, so I found a cheap watercolor pad at Walmart as a last minute replacement. That fell apart quickly, so now I have a cheap art portfolio I carry around in addition to my travel art kit.  

I plan to publish a post about the project, but here are two of my favorites so far. 

I’ll share the whole collection after the summer camp season is over.

I’m trying to sketch during camp days, specifically on “Watercolor Wednesdays” as I like to say, but it can be hard to find the time to actually sit down and paint when you have a bunch of children to watch. I often have to finish them at home. It’s been great practice anyway. 

The reason I even started this project is because the Buda Arts Festival is in October, and I will compete in both the plein air and quick draw competitions. By then I’ll have been watercoloring for two years. I’m curious how I’ll do, but this is mostly for the experience. 

2,400 Words Later…

I never said I had writer’s block. I actually have like 20+ nearly complete essays that I can either pitch to publications, post on here, or choose not to share at all. I’m learning that I’m more than just a writer: I’m also an artist, comedian, actor, musician, filmmaker, climber, and more. Until I came to this realization, I’d been beating myself up for not writing as much as I felt I “should” be doing. (Let’s all agree to stop “should”-ing ourselves. The world will be a better place because of it.) I like to do a lot of things, so it makes sense if I have less time for writing. I’m OK with that. Really!