One simple surgery complicated ALL things thereafter so I’m taking a breather.

Last time on Cristy Writes… I announced I’d accepted a full-time job and officially ended my funemployment. (Yay! 🎉) 

Exactly one year later, I’m here to announce I’m on a break again. That’s right, I’m re-funemployed.

In April, I resigned from my job. It’s kind of a long story. There were three medical leaves first… there’ll likely be several posts about this whole saga. 

A series of unfortunate events (one might even argue “divine interventions”) kind of blew up my whole life and left me depleted. It’s like my body went on strike and refused to cooperate. 

The worst part was not quite understanding why this was happening. All I knew is that it started after my cholecystectomy last fall.

The Surgery That Sent Me Spiraling

In October 2023 I had surgery to remove my gallbladder because I had a golf-ball-sized gallstone that lived rent-free inside me for the past decade! 🤢 And I haven’t been the same since. 

The surgery itself went well. I had a robot-assisted laparoscopy on a Thursday morning and was working again by Monday. I’m healthy and strong with very little scarring. Overall, I’m pretty happy with the results. 

But then my body got stuck in fight-or-flight mode and couldn’t come back down. 

I could feel my stress compounding in my body with no relief. My panic attacks returned. I was fatigued and getting less done each day, even with seemingly more effort, and crashed by midafternoon. I needed lots of rest to keep up with basic life tasks. Then came the migraines.

I could not figure out WHY this was happening or how to make it stop. Logically, I knew the stress I was feeling in my life did not warrant that kind of physical reaction, but my internal alarms would not stop ringing.

The “activated” feeling became so intense, I was dissociating, as if trying to escape my own body. I started to feel out of alignment; I couldn’t sense the boundaries of my physical self. I was notably clumsier than normal; I broke several of my favorite plates, bowls, and mugs during this time.

My heightened state began to affect me in other ways too. I couldn’t focus. I was struggling to write and read — you know, MY JOB. I couldn’t follow conversations and lost my train of thought in the middle of short sentences. I also frequently said the wrong words and confused people. 

The scariest part was I couldn’t express thoughts and get words out, like the connections between my brain and mouth were fried. I knew information was in my head but couldn’t access it. 

As a full-time editor, this was a nightmare. As a human, this scared the shit out of me. I wondered if I’d had mini strokes or seizures and went down a troubling search engine rabbit hole. (Don’t Google it.)

Help Wanted

In December, my husband went away on a trip to visit family, and that’s when I realized just how bad I was feeling. I used what energy I had to take care of my dog and barely had any left for myself. When I realized that even feeding myself was hard, I decided it was time to get professional help. I reached out to a psychiatric facility and started an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) the following week.

I applied for short-term disability leave and started the IOP which is basically lots and lots of therapy, movement, and psychoeducation. For four weeks, four days a week, I attended a group where we learned and practiced meditation, trauma-informed yoga therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and other mindfulness skills. This forced me to get out of the house and helped reintroduce structure into my life. Plus, I learned (and relearned) a lot of useful tools to manage stress and emotions.

In January, the IOP came to an end. I told myself I was ready to return to work… but ended up back on leave two weeks later. 

I joined my second IOP, a virtual Texas-based group with a rotating 8-week curriculum, five days a week. The second IOP was equally as challenging as the first. It taught all of the same things as the first one, except there was a bigger focus on recovery and addiction, which I appreciated. 

But two IOPs later, it was clear that this burnout was pretty severe and was going to require months — possibly even the rest of the year — to recover from. And that’s why I quit my job in April. 

Yes, I walked away from another six-figure job. 😭 In my defense, my brain was basically so fried I couldn’t read and write, which was the job. (Y’all have no idea how long it took to get this post live…)

My Very Physical Mental Health Issues

During this time, I also made appointments with various specialists (nutritionist, endocrinologist, neuropsychologist, new psychiatrists, etc.) to try to get to the root cause of my two most debilitating symptoms, fatigue and migraines. 

There’s no explanation though. On paper, my physical health is perfectly fine. My mental health is what’s making me feel physically ill. This is what burnout is. 

I even drove four hours to Dallas to get cognitive testing done which confirmed:

1. I have ADHD, Bipolar Disorder II, and anxiety.
2. My weaknesses are in attention, working memory, executive functioning, and verbal encoding.
3. I feel emotions in my body and need to learn how to manage my mental health so it doesn’t affect my physical health.

Excerpt from my test results summary:  “At this time, there is insufficient evidence of a neurocognitive disorder that cannot be better explained by other factors, such as her preexisting mental health conditions (ADHD and Bipolar II Disorder) and life changes, including job-related stress. Specifically, it is considered likely that stressful events over the past year have exacerbated pre-existing relative weaknesses in aspects of verbal encoding and executive functioning (hallmark areas of inefficiency in ADHD and Bipolar Disorder), lowering her cognitive efficiency in these domains, but not rising to the level of a neurocognitive disorder. Regarding other drivers of her distress, it is likely that Ms. Salinas Lynch has a tendency to express psychological distress through somatic symptoms rather than overt emotionality. As such, there is likely an intertwined and cyclical relationship currently existing between physical, psychological, and cognitive symptoms, such that dysfunction in one area also leads to disruption of other domains. As such, a multidisciplinary and wholistic approach to symptom management may be most beneficial for her.“

In other words, it’s me.

What I’m Doing These Days

I’ve been at home slowly returning to human form, trying to practice everything I’ve learned while also trying to figure out where to go from here.

I’m trying to find a balance of rest, play, and work. Right now I’m spending more time on rest and play and reintroducing work as my physical health improves. I’m eating better so I’ve been getting my energy back and can do more around the house. I have daily habits I try to check off my list like meditation, yoga, journaling, taking vitamins, etc. 

I’m not climbing as often as I’d like, but right now it’s so fucking hot and home is too nice to leave.

The plus side is, I’ve reconnected with my artsy side and have been sketching and painting. Enjoy this illustration of the gallstone that invaded my gallbladder.

What Comes Next?

Honestly, I’m not sure.

I would absolutely love to be self-employed, but how to do that feels like an impossible puzzle to solve. I can see myself being a writer, content creator, and coach. But is this dream still possible in 2024? What if I didn’t worry about that and just did it? That’s a scary thought, committing to myself. 

Here’s what I do know: I’m not meant to sit behind a desk all day. I also don’t feel like I can do another editing job, at least not in that same capacity. It never felt right; it was just the thing I knew how to do to make a decent living that paid for all of my hobbies and fun vacations. I enjoy connecting with people, having long conversations, and making others laugh, both on and off stage. I know I’m a great writer and that people connect with my work. So where do I fit in this fast-paced world? 

I’m giving myself permission to go after what I want and create a work life that inspires and motivates me — I’m just trying to figure out what that means. (I’m open to suggestions.)